A layman's guide to the 2020 clown car (Vol. 4)

Wait a minute, who? 

We’ve reached the end of the road. It’s been a long, strange trip through the intestines of modern political insanity, but after this installment, I can call it a day. Of course, I’m expecting at least 25 more candidates to jump into the mix between now and the Iowa Caucus, so an update may be necessary.

           

Whether you read the whole thing or took a look at a few of the names and used the page to line your dog kennel, you’ve been an integral part of this cynical and utterly bewildering journey. Without further adieu, here are the guys and gals so obscure you’d have to live in Iowa just to know their names—wait a minute, who?

           

Washington Governor Jay Inslee- Better known as the climate change guy, Inslee is essentially a single-issue candidate from a coastal state who supports any legislation aimed at reducing carbon emissions. It’s an admirable fight, but unfortunately in Iowa, most conversations about one of the most complex and pressing problems of our time inevitably end in a bad joke about cow farts. Thanks, AOC.

           

Strengths- Longtime climate advocate, governing experience, hails from the city that gave us Starbucks and Amazon.

           

Weaknesses- No name recognition or big name support, hails from the city that gave us Starbucks and Amazon.

           

Will he run? As this issue goes to press, he’s still in the race.

           

Former Colorado Governor John Hickenlooper- He has a funny name, apparently wrote a weird book about all the girls he chased and recently got remarried at 64 years old. Oh, and he used to be the governor of the weed state.

           

If I were Hickenlooper, I’d just run on that last bit. With this final bunch of candidates, a common question will emerge: what on Earth compelled him/her to enter the race? There are no easy answers, and John Stickenblooper is about as nationally popular as a DEA agent hanging out in Boulder. 

           

Strengths- Related to a former Iowa governor, started a brewery, was mentioned in a Kurt Vonnegut novel, is just a 67-year-old version of all of your friends from college who moved to Denver for “investment opportunities.”

           

Weaknesses- Easy to make fun of name, worked in the fossil fuel industry, has nothing unique to offer.

           

Will he run? Yup, and I’ve heard he plays the piano. Martin O’Malley learned all about the importance of musical talent and how far it can carry a candidate last time around! They should start a band together.

           

Senator Michael Bennet- Bennet is a fellow Coloradan who actually worked for Hickenlooper when he was mayor of Denver, and he’s inexplicably opted to push forward with a long shot campaign even after learning that he has prostate cancer. If that isn’t a sign that every registered Democrat in America could end up running, I’m not sure what is.

           

Strengths- Has a brother who works for the (failing) New York Times, won’t let his illness stop him.  

           

Weaknesses- Shares a name with two more widely known football players, less goofy than Hickenlooper, massively overspent as Superintendent of Denver schools.

           

Will he run? For some reason, yes. If you compare his course of action to Walter White’s in “Breaking Bad,” running for president after receiving a cancer diagnosis is probably smarter than launching a multinational methamphetamine empire—albeit decidedly less profitable. 

 

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