Some useless predictions for football season

Summer is finally over, and even if football is going the way of rock n’ roll, DVDs and the Kodak camera, I’m going to keep watching it until the end. It’s pigskin season, the best season, the only sports season that I truly love and the only season where the weather doesn’t stink in Iowa. Because I’m mostly off of the high school beat by now, I’ll leave those predictions to Jake, but here are some useless college and NFL takes that you can use to call me an idiot when the season’s over. Happy football!

 

1. There’s a new controversy in town- The last three years of football have been dominated by the asinine debate over whether players who kneel during “The Star Spangled Banner” should be shot or automatically sent into Iraq for combat duty, and as the number of anthem protestors has dwindled down to a handful or less (and Colin Kaepernick remains unemployed), the hot take pundits in search of a new lightning rod are going to have to find a new angle.

 

Luckily, they don’t have to look far. Colts quarterback and noted nerd Andrew Luck announced his retirement last week, and wouldn’t you know it, it may just signify the death of football as we know it. A number one pick who was supposed to be the face of the league walking away at 29? The horror!

 

Of course, anyone who knows Luck’s story knows that the former Stanford star—along with Robert Griffin III, who was picked second in the same draft—battled injuries almost constantly throughout his brief career and just wasn’t the same the last few years.

 

For football fans and critics of the sport alike, the departure of such a high-profile figure is bound to generate the kind of apocalyptic responses that come with pretty much any news: FOOTBALL IS DONE—FINISHED! HE’S A WIMP! WHAT’S WRONG WITH MILENNIALS?

 

Expect anyone who writes or talks about football for a living to spend the entire season pontificating on what Luck’s retirement means in the grand scheme of things, and prepare to be bored to death of these takes by week two. You’ve been warned: there’s plenty more where that came from.

 

2. My fantasy team is totally going to win it all- I mean, come on! Look at this roster! I’ve got ______ (insert great running back here), and I picked up a sleeper in the seventh round! He’s primed for a huge year! Bank on it, baby!

 

Stop me if you’ve heard that all before. As a general guideline, anyone who discusses his or her fantasy football team with somebody who isn’t in his or her league is a certified sociopath and should not be allowed to mingle with the general public. But seriously, I’m totally going to win all that money in the pool, and my friends might as well kiss theirs goodbye! This is the year!

 

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